did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
