Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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