Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize