I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
