I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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