The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
