The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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