My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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