Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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