The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Shame - the story of my life.
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