you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
