Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
