feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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