where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
