I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he puts the penis in happiness.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
