I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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