im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
