she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
