So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
