Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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