Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
