you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
it glows. i had to have it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
