she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
