I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
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