Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
