i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
