um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
