My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
