So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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