she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
