I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
