Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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