Moan for me like Helen Keller
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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