No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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