Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have fence marks all over my body
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
