he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
