I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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