What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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