Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
