Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
