Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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