Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
