My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
