Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
