I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize