Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
