i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
