I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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