i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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