I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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