you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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