Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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