Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
