lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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