Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
