We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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