i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
