38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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