Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love you. Go after that dick
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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