just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
