I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize